Editorial – I found my family, now what?
6-14-12 *Editorial by John Ovenden*
Finding my family was a great thing. How many people in my position get that opportunity? I was put up for adoption for good reason and survived it. I’ve learned the whole story from beginning to end and I can accept it. I grew up in almost a parallel life of what I would have if raised by my biological mother. My mother and my adopted mother are very similar. The main thing is that my adopted mother loved me with all her heart and so does my biological mother. My adopted mother lived through the stress of me growing up and died hoping she taught me right from wrong. My biological mother is stressing about missing me for 48 years and probably afraid of losing me again. I need them both.
Now what?
Probably 90% of the responses to my editorials about finding my family were for me to move to Tennessee to be with my newly found family. I understand where everyone is coming from. I moved to Madison during a search for my family because I assumed they would be here, or at least someone here would know something. It turns out; no one knew anything and none of my blood relatives have lived here in 48 years. “Move to Tennessee”, people say. Regardless of finding my family, I left Atlanta to start a life in Madison. It took me about 7 years to accept that people here want to drop everything in a deep fryer and lunch is called dinner but I get it, it just is. I’ve grown accustomed to the ways of Madison and have grown fond of the people here. I’ve formed some very close relationships and made some lifetime friends and even found love. This has been my life for almost 10 years.
Anyone following the progression, on Madison Voice, of my finding my family, can clearly see that it has affected me emotionally. I’m very torn at all times. One side of me says to pack my car, move to Tennessee and don’t look back. Another side says that Madison is where my life is now. An unexpected occurrence: after writing the editorials about finding my family, there was a surge of women contacting me thinking they love me and/or in love with me and aren’t afraid to tell me about it, most of whom are married. While this doesn’t factor into my decision, it didn’t go unnoticed. I mean, let’s face it, I’m openly right in the middle of a mid-life crisis. Apparently, writing from the heart is very powerful.
I guess what I’m hoping is that everyone will bear with me through this. Trust me when I tell you that no matter what seems to be an obvious answer to someone on the outside looking in, it isn’t always the right answer. I appreciate the advice from countless people that have been through similar situations. I listened carefully. Everyone handles things differently. I’m still trying to figure this one out for myself. I’ve done more soul searching than a ghost hunter. I can’t sleep and feel very displaced at all times, no matter where I am. My heart is very heavy. Something has to give, soon.
John Ovenden
Madison Voice
I cannot imagine what you feel…..but i’ve been reading the voice for quite some time now. I do not live in Madison county, but have been there for education quite a bit. Sooooooo……I’m just so proud of you for never giving up hope…I do believe had i been adopted, i’d have done the same as you. I’d have kept looking too…..for all the unanswered questions. I enjoy reading the Voice, but also been reading it since you’ve been searching…..anyhow, good luck in your decision and i’ll keep you in my prayers John, i know that God has the answer for you, give it time, and follow your heart. Blessings to you and yours…..
Just stay here god… Jesus led you here….. think about it…
I can’t relate to you but i do know i enjoy your website also look at it from any angle God put you in Madison for years then up come you wanting to find out more about who you are as a person and now he has made it possible so just maybe your journey here is over who knows fate has brought you with your birth mother and for good reasons she did what she thought was best for you it’s always a bitter sweet ending but you survived to tell the story!!!!!
Like I told you in email, John, when it is “time” you won’t be torn.
When you decide, it will feel calm and “right.” All you need is some time to adjust, I think. 
Be kind to yourself. Everyone wants you to be happy and fulfilled. 
Peace.
Hey John
I came from some-what a similiar situation-though I was never adopted-my real dad got himself in some trouble before I was born-while in prison my mom divorced & re-married-”it seemed to me” that he always distance himself from me-so i sort of felt like the ‘step-child” I carried my dad’s name through out my whole life until I got married-while the others had his name! I always felt weird! Then there came a time when I had to find my real dad-that was the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do! In the process I discovered I had 3 other sisters & a brother! None of who I have any contact with! So now the question-do I feel better in finding my “real” dad or not? We HAD a few real good years! I got to know the man who helped give me life! A few years ago he committed suicide. So in a sense I am glad I got to know him-but now I live with questions about why he took his life and wonder how my mom feels about me morning the death of a man who I’ve only knew for a few short years! There are times when I felt I should have moved closer to him-maybe he wouldn’t have done it-then I would think about how my family would react! John-there are no easy or “right” answers-follow your heart! It never fails you! t
only you can make this decision-goin to Tenn. means actually start over with everything.Tenn.is not that far away. Go visit enjoy an come back home
Last One, I Promise:
Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don’t know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!
How true Daddy’s words were when he said: all children must look after their own upbringing. Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands.
The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be.
Anne Frank
FORGOT TO ADD:
Reason, Season, or Lifetime
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
— Unknown
Everything will be okay in the end…if it’s not okay, it’s not the end!
— Unknown
NOW WHAT??? Only YOU can decide that, John. I’m afraid that now you have answers to so many questions only to find you still have more questions that can’t be answered.
What I mean by that is, when you were being raised, you knew something was missing, sort of like a puzzle piece. Now you have all the pieces except one and that is the one who raised you and would have loved sharing this with you and you with her.
It has to be a little anti-climatic for you to see where you have been and where are you going from here. Like I said, Only You can decide that, John…our thoughts and hearts will be with you no matter where you roam.
Home is where your heart is. Take time to work this one out, you’ve come so far! Cheers to You and Yours!
ps- There’s nothing wrong with being loved, right??!!
Praying for you to find the right answer.
Be rational .. Tennessee not that far away john take two weeks off. Go see family then decide. Speaking from experience
You are a rare breed, John. Women are in love you because you are a man that can express his feelings/thoughts. Well, that and your eversogoodlooks. Your head will take you in one direction and your heart another. Some decisions you will regret and others you won’t. Sometimes we must just close our eyes and jump. This is called The Game of Life.
And to follow up on our conversation from yesterday, a little Kinky AND a crystal ball might help.
“Love” ya!!!
Collosians 3:15
“And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts [deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state] to which as [members of Christ’s] one body you were also called [to live]. And be thankful (appreciative), [giving praise to God always].”
John
No one can tell you what or what not to do. Everybody has a different opinion about everything but as you said no one knows or feels what going on inside.
Absents make the heart grow stronger. When and if the time comes you will know it and you’ll be gone but until then you’ll be here with good friends and people that love you as well.
Good Luck…it will all work out
John,
I can’t begin to imagine the emotional distress and confusion you must be feeling. I’ve been told that for every choice there is a price. You can’t chose one something without giving something up. What I ask myself is, “Is what I’m choosing worth the price I’m paying for it?” 75% of the time is can be cut and dry, but for the other 25% I believe that if you take time and listen to what your heart tells you, you will know what you need to do. The decision you chose should be one that doesn’t leave you turning back or thinking, “What if?”. I have to be biased though, we would all love to have you in TN, but most of all, be comfortable with whatever decision you make and know everyone will respect it no matter which path is chosen.
Sorry for your pain and agony… (let’s not forget though) No pain, No gain… Something good is going to come to you from all of this.. Just keep praying and be patient. You have already learned a great deal of patience. Just not done yet. Love how you can put all of this into a good read. You are a talented Reporter!
In Our Prayers
Darlene & Family
Praying for you John